Sondag, Januarie 27

When you are in despair
When you are helpless
When you are lonely
When you are desperate
When you are anxious
When you are frustrated
When you are depressed
When you feel you are not loved
When you are upset
When you are in sorrow
When you are disappointed
When you are afraid
Hang onto the Lord
For in His eyes
You are Whole
In His Eyes
You are Complete
In His Eyes
You are Loved
- Brother Mike -

In the
name of The Father
and
The
Son
and
The
Holy
Spirit
Amen

My Lord,
Thank You for your blessings
Thank You for the 41 You have gifted to me
for I have not been able to obtained that
without Your never-ending shower of blessings
and Your faithful companion in my heart
Thank you for the job
You have again answered my prayer
You not only give me the opportunity in observing
but You have given me the privelege to enjoy
every ticking second that passed
on that restaurant
Thank You for the many friends you have chosen for me
They brought joys and ecstasy
They decorate my delicate memory
with beautiful images of our youth
that would be everlasting
Forgive me My Lord
for asking for more
I am no other than a helpless child in Your Eyes
who weeps and begs for more
although You have provided sufficiently
and yet never be thankful for it
Forgive me My Lord
for not trusting You as my Saviour
You have knocked the entrance of my heart
whispering loud in my twin ears
reminding me that You are here
yet, ignorant i am to it
My Lord
Teach me
To trust You with my whole heart
Entrust my anxiety and burden onto Your hand
Lift up my questions to you
and to be thankful
for the strengths I had
and
the weaknesses
for it completes me
as Your creation
A Fair Creation
For I believe
in Your eyes
I am whole, complete and loved
My Lord, I Love You

Pray this
In The Name of The father
And The Son
And The
Holy Spirit
AMEN.

Sabato Ichigatsu 26

The cacophonous beeping of the Queue Board still ringing in my head. The repertoire of the beeps seems never ending to me, adding to my frustration.
A few weeks have passed since 7th January. The image of Ms Priya's pearly white teeth beaming at me while I was approaching her table is still crystal clear as in it just happened yesterday. She lifted both of her hands, give me two thumbs ups and passed me the paper. 41. The number I had never expected to get. 41. And i was still anxious, praying hard to get 40. 41. And here I am, still slouched on my maroon chair, doing nothing but indulging myself in the series of MSN chatting. Check.
Zest Salad and Juice Bar is the name. I am working there. I am paid $6 per hour. I got to prepare the salad, making the sauce and juice and roll the wraps. I got to cut the vegetables and fruits. I got to wash the dishes. I got to sweep and mop the floor. I got to wipe the tables. I got no meals provided. I got no break. Yet, here I am, thanking God for it after frantic searching of jobs, to the extent of utter desperation. Check
Yet, after what I have been looking for and wishing for, my heart is not on ease. There is a strong force opposing the euphoria I should have felt for the blessings. Suddenly I realize what is the point of getting a 41 points? What is the point of me being employed? These achievements suddenly appeared to be insignificant. Instead, i felt another surging loneliness in my heart, yearning for something that I am not too sure yet about it.
Suddenly, i felt a huge gap between me and my friends
I really not too sure why it happened. I recently hang out and still chatting. Yet, I sense emptiness. Hollow. Does those moment of true friendship really exist?

November Six

Confused? Bewildered? Puzzled? I can't even find a single word to describe my feelings at this point of time. Recollecting back the shelves of my memory, i discover that i have indeed experienced the same dilemma some times ago. The gloomy moment when i somehow feel terribly lonely.

"Are you joining us?" When my Assistant Hall Tutor asked me this question, i was startled. "Haha, what do you mean? Please do not get mistaken, for i only apply to be Assistant, but have not confirmed it yet" - that's what i replied. And my reply seem to be so shocking that he apparently looked so embarassed. Initially, I thought that it was the mundane misunderstanding, without realizing that there was a meeting by the teachers today. One of the topic: Assistant Hall Tutor.

My Hall Master, as well as my Hall Tutor, both questioned me, wondering whether i have made up my mind or not. I told them, yeah, i would. But honestly, i really have no idea, should I or should I not? It is at this moment whereby the decision will concern my future, i need someone to talk to. Ironically, when i turned my head to the left or to the right, that one particular person is not around. I tried to find anyone whom i can talk to, desperate to seek an answer. Yet, that person was not a help at all. My desire to call my very close friend, i deserted it, for she is having crucial exams. A flash of my mind to call my mom, but she sounded so tired when she called me, should i call her? And i turned to the last person whom i can think of, but his phone died because of low battery. To whom should i shout out my burden, relinquish it so that i can be as carefree as a wind?

Life is always an unfair game for me. What i always give, I will rarely gain it back from my friends. Not that i am wishing my friends to return my kindness, but i do sometimes expect them to at least show their concern to me like what i always did to them. Very few did. Most never. Very few appears to be needles perced through my heart - minute yet sharp. What i want is just a listening ear, the one that could listen my mouth blabbering non-stop. But I have none.

A few months back, when my mind eas clouded with dark thoughts, when i was trapped in the same situation, only one thought that appeared to me: suicide. If it is not because of the shed of light i gained from the Bible, whispered to me Saint Paul's phrase when he was in agony, "When i am weak, then i am strong". As in for now, somehow i do not find strength in these phrase. Am I exhausted in finding strength in my weaknesses? It is indeed difficult like finding a piece of mini bolt in the midst of bulb-wire. But i would still be hoping in the Lord that He would once again extricate me from thise whirlpool of darkness, which pulling me down and down and yet it never ends. Lord, shed your life upon me!

I once took a decision, a slanted one. In order to do so, i have hurt many and potentially may kill many. Yet, i gain myself, the true me in which i have always been fond of having. Is it right? This question lately lingers in my mind. The desire to step back and return to the splitting road and take the right one is there. Yet, i dare not to do so for the fear of leaving the heavenly yet sinful road i have been strolling so far. What should i do?

Hating myself is a no joke for me. I have had enough moments whereby i hate myself. I had something to say in my heart, but i just could not sy it out. Instead, what comes from my mouth is what my heart says no. The milk has been spilled. The consequence was clear to me. My delicate heart is once again shattered. Though i would mend it back in time, i am just curious, once again: Is this the road for me?

My eyes are sizzling hot right now, my nose is flooded, my heart is torn into pieces. Where are you now when i need you most?

Cuando Empecé

At Vivo City, after clique outing in Sentosa, 26 September 2007
(From left to right: JieJie, Me, the Pinkie Pork, Lui, Weng Hong and Woo)
somehow, Pinkie Pork seems to be so shy, ^^

Beginning is scary. Ending is Sorrow. This quote taken from the speech in the farewell chapel keeps lingering in my mind though i am about to conclude my day with a sleeping-euphoria. It brings back memory when I started my journey in the unknown IB Programme. When it started, it was hell. Indeed, I have the agony burning in my heart when the morning light greeted my day - "Haizz, another day of torture" seemed to be my favorite phrase back then. Why? There is a test called DISC Test, which classifies people to 4 major categories, and I, expectedly, fall into S groups, which simply suggests that I am a very sociable person. Yes, the very reason I detest the school deep to the core of my heart was not the school, but the fact that I had no friends. I perceived the people around me as rich spoilt brats who only know what "suffering" means, but never be able to explain how it feels. They only know how to attend parties, drinking till losing their conscience, only to appear "cool". Their angelic facade took me a while to discover - how they always laugh and cry together, yet the backstabs were never ending. I simply took a conclusion that I did not belong to the pupils here and was desperate to move out. Adding as a spice to my sorrow was my grandmother's death - it simply made things worse. And I had, finally, succumbed to the devil's temptation in giving up hope in The Lord, thinking that He had simply ignored me, abandoned me in this wheel of fire, which torment me every single second.
I barely survived my first 6 months journey in the school, with an almost-zero level of confidence. I was lost. Yet, at that point of time, my guardian angel reappear again in front of my eyes and extricate me from the depth of inferiority and sorrow and brought me up again to the surface of peace, where i have had advanced on until now. Anyway, my guardian angel is not the usual angel. She is special. She is the seraph whose wings the vastest, who shines the brightest and whom I always look up to, since I was born.
Many has occurred. Ups and Downs. Ecstasy and Sorrow. Yet, i do feel, these experiences are those who mould me as who am I right now. By learning, what is suffering and what is a real joy, i now could understand what is it to give sorrow and joy to others. As in friends, i have made many, making my journey in the school an unforgettable one. And as it is about to end, it is a heaven for me. Gratias.

"Though i live surrounded by trouble,
you keep me alive - to my enemies' fury!
You stretch your hand out and save me,
your right hand will do everything for me.
Yahweh, your love is everlasting,
do not abandon us whom you have made."
Psalms 138: 7-8

Giovedì, Ne Avevo Paura

The curtain is finally drawing to a close. My Prelim exams is coming to an end. Just in a few days time I would be able to be FREE, temporarily, before my real IB Examinations. While I am having my Biology SL paper 3 in a few hours time, I still spare my time to just write a short entry for somebody had scolded me for being so lazy not posting anything in my blog, hahaha...
Papers have been tougher in general, compared to the Mid Year Exams. Frankly, I was afraid that I would not score well for this coming exams - especially my previous results for the Mid Year were not that good. However, I realize, no matter how good or bad my score is, it will be the best solutions given to me by Him. What I need by then is strength - if i did not score well so that i can improve on it, or Modesty - if i did quite well for this period as I am still having my Final and most crucial Exams on the tip of my tongue.
Toughest period was on Wednesday where Maths and Business paper were at one day and there were tonnes to prepare for both papers. Once i finished my business paper in the afternoon, i suddenly felt a sudden jolt of fatigue as well as ecstasy since I have gone through one of the "hellish" day for me. This feeling, on the contrary, vanish almost immediately as the fact that Exam is still going on struck my face like a slap. Yet, ironically, in preparation for my Biology paper, I barely studied, spending my precious time dwelling in the cyber-world of chatting, even playing (kind of regret of signing up to Facebook, i can't stop exploring the appliances, hahaha). I managed to finish memorising the book though, with a tremendous effort despite of the numerous brain cells dying of exhaustion.
Sadly, i have no picture to post at this point of time... When i see myself in a picture, i realize that my tan has gone away and my complexion is deteroriating because of the stress. I also reckon that i have successfully lost some weights. My hair was on the mess and i seriously wonder, should i cut my hair?

Lundi, 10 Septembre 2007

Waaaa, what I have been waiting for has finally commenced - my Prelim Exams, hahaha... The last 2 exams that i am gonna take, probably the most important Internal Exams in my whole life... The day began with English A1 Paper 1, my weakest subject, which i usually failed. Attempted prose question instead of poem, for i did not want to take the risk in analysing poem, since i always tend to misintepret the points, haizzz... The prose appears to be quite a tough one for me, and i did not finish my conclusion, so I am totally as clueless as a monkey in a desert whether i will pass this paper or not. Yet, no matter what, i will still trust in Him in any ways for giving me the best, hehehe...

Pardon my lagging period of filling the entries, have been busy with playing AND studying, hehehe... I have indeed encountered some unique experience in the past 8 days since i wrote my last entry...

Yesterday night, as usual, i opened up my Bible before sleeping, praying to God that he would speak to me and guide me. Honestly speaking, i seriously felt highly anxious about the coming exams. Though i have read Philipians 4: 6 - 7 for thousands times and find assurance in what Saint Paul has said, i still have doubt about whether i can survive this time round or not. I flipped through the pages randomly, read bits by bits until Gospel of Luke lure my eyes into reading it. I read Chapter 14, which tells us about the First Miracle Jesus had done and followed about the incident of Jesus walking on the water. Looking at the bizarre view, the disciples all shouted and screamed in terror, saying, "It is a ghost!". Jesus, calmly replied that it was indeed him who was standing on the water. Peter, the first and most-trusted disciple of The Twelve, continued, " Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you across the water." And he did walk across the water! Yet, when the wind blew hard, "he took fright and began to sink". In response to this, and this is what i want to highlight, Jesus replied:

"Man of little Faith! Why did you doubt?"

Luke 14: 32

This quote serves as a form of assurance: Why must i doubt when i am certain that My Lord Jesus has dwelt inside of me? That he will be my refuge in no matter what will happen for i have fully trusted him as my saviour! Trully, He does exist and He dwells within us: Hear what He Says and Talk to Him when you are in doubt, and Lord's peace will guard your heart.

Have had an interesting night with Ron on Friday, where by we painted a body-glow on our back, just for "fun", hahaha... The artist, whom speaks fluent Japanese, had applied his arty strokes and blew some glitters onto the state-of-the-art works, which i could only clean it totally after a few days, hahaha... But, Ron, lemme tell u seriously, i did enjoy that night somehow, hehehe...On Ron's back, nice one wor...

On my back...

A wishing-each-other gathering was done on Saturday with all my Indonesian friends - i was rushing to FairPrice to get a bottle of Chardonnay, the cheap ones though but what much more expensive is the intention of wishing each others good-luck for the Prelims:

sweet one, as sweet as the friendship treasured between us

Talking about friendship, Today my jie jie gave me a very kawaii pen, hehe as a symbol of luck. I gave her a packet of Loaker Darck Chocolate though, hehehe... kind of makes me feel bad to give her such a cheap things, haizzz... But what she said, its the intention not the value of the materials... kekeke...

1+4+0+8=13

I just finished watching this movie, "1408", a novel-based movie, taken from Stephen King's compilation of short stories. Initially, i wanna watch rat-a-2-e but one of us had watched it, so we have no choice but to watch this movie. Why? Cause, like usual, i love horror movie in expense of me not being able to sleep at the night, hahaha...
"1408", for me, is a 4 star movie. At least for the horror part. Rarely any horror/thriller movie has made me screamed the hell out of me. Until Kevin, who was sitting beside me get shocked to death. He informed me afterwards how embarrassed he was having me screaming so loudly - it was even louder than the movie!!!
oK, i don't want to spoil your pleasure by shouting to the world what this movie is about - me myself detest spoiler deep to the core of my heart. Yet, what makes this movie a 4 star instead of 5 is actually the plot. At the end of it, i did not really fathom what kind of message the movie was trying to convey to the audience. Abrupt Ending the movie has indeed - there is no conclusion, leaving the audience with the thought "So what if he survives?" lingering in their mind after they stepped out from the hall. I even checked the real scripts. However, to my deep disappointment, the ending of the movie seems to be different. So, sigh, nevermind then, at least the "pleasure" of screaming and get shocked was indeed a run for my money.
A few lessons that we can learn from this "1408":
1. Evil Spirit and ghosts does exist. Don't be oblivious about these facts!
2. If the hotel manager secretly bribes you - by upgrading to a pent-house, instead of the standard suit and giving you luxurious,extravagant wine, ACCEPT it! He/she must have a reason bribing you! Unless you wanna experience what Mike Enslin had faced, for heaven's sake, accept it!!!
3. Do not stay alone in an old, creepy hotel.
4. If you sense a superstitious phenomena in your hotel room, check out or ask for changes in the rooming, IMMEDIATELY!

Went out with my fellow Indonesian friends today, went to Plaza Singapura - chatting and chatting and playing arcades, and then went to Starbucks to have a sip of my favourite Caramel Machiatto. Was discussing about places-of-living - where should i stay next year? Currently, this piece of thought has been rolling in my mind repeatedly, but i will just let it flows... I do believe that in this case, God will lead me to the best place to stay:)
Talking about God, was having an interesting conversation about God today with a Korean boy whom i met on the street. He was, initially asking me to do a survey, and thanks to my kaypoh-ness, i did it willingly. He then continued on about the facts in Bible that God is not only the Father, but a Mother as well. Once, Clement has informed me about this, about how God is a Giver of Lives, which indicates His status as a Father, and also God as a recipient, which indicates God is a Mother as well. Honestly, it doesn't really matter for me whether God is a Father or Mother, for i do believe that i only have a single God, the One who has sent my Lord Jesus Christ to the world. Anw, being a mother-complex, i really do not mind having God, the mother, hehehe...