November Six

Confused? Bewildered? Puzzled? I can't even find a single word to describe my feelings at this point of time. Recollecting back the shelves of my memory, i discover that i have indeed experienced the same dilemma some times ago. The gloomy moment when i somehow feel terribly lonely.

"Are you joining us?" When my Assistant Hall Tutor asked me this question, i was startled. "Haha, what do you mean? Please do not get mistaken, for i only apply to be Assistant, but have not confirmed it yet" - that's what i replied. And my reply seem to be so shocking that he apparently looked so embarassed. Initially, I thought that it was the mundane misunderstanding, without realizing that there was a meeting by the teachers today. One of the topic: Assistant Hall Tutor.

My Hall Master, as well as my Hall Tutor, both questioned me, wondering whether i have made up my mind or not. I told them, yeah, i would. But honestly, i really have no idea, should I or should I not? It is at this moment whereby the decision will concern my future, i need someone to talk to. Ironically, when i turned my head to the left or to the right, that one particular person is not around. I tried to find anyone whom i can talk to, desperate to seek an answer. Yet, that person was not a help at all. My desire to call my very close friend, i deserted it, for she is having crucial exams. A flash of my mind to call my mom, but she sounded so tired when she called me, should i call her? And i turned to the last person whom i can think of, but his phone died because of low battery. To whom should i shout out my burden, relinquish it so that i can be as carefree as a wind?

Life is always an unfair game for me. What i always give, I will rarely gain it back from my friends. Not that i am wishing my friends to return my kindness, but i do sometimes expect them to at least show their concern to me like what i always did to them. Very few did. Most never. Very few appears to be needles perced through my heart - minute yet sharp. What i want is just a listening ear, the one that could listen my mouth blabbering non-stop. But I have none.

A few months back, when my mind eas clouded with dark thoughts, when i was trapped in the same situation, only one thought that appeared to me: suicide. If it is not because of the shed of light i gained from the Bible, whispered to me Saint Paul's phrase when he was in agony, "When i am weak, then i am strong". As in for now, somehow i do not find strength in these phrase. Am I exhausted in finding strength in my weaknesses? It is indeed difficult like finding a piece of mini bolt in the midst of bulb-wire. But i would still be hoping in the Lord that He would once again extricate me from thise whirlpool of darkness, which pulling me down and down and yet it never ends. Lord, shed your life upon me!

I once took a decision, a slanted one. In order to do so, i have hurt many and potentially may kill many. Yet, i gain myself, the true me in which i have always been fond of having. Is it right? This question lately lingers in my mind. The desire to step back and return to the splitting road and take the right one is there. Yet, i dare not to do so for the fear of leaving the heavenly yet sinful road i have been strolling so far. What should i do?

Hating myself is a no joke for me. I have had enough moments whereby i hate myself. I had something to say in my heart, but i just could not sy it out. Instead, what comes from my mouth is what my heart says no. The milk has been spilled. The consequence was clear to me. My delicate heart is once again shattered. Though i would mend it back in time, i am just curious, once again: Is this the road for me?

My eyes are sizzling hot right now, my nose is flooded, my heart is torn into pieces. Where are you now when i need you most?